In the summer of 2015, I set out to shoot a film that I wrote with one of my best friends, entitled A Beautiful Silence.

Inspired by the films of Terrence Malick and the poetry of Rainer Maria Rilke, the film tells the story of a young woman who is dealing with an intense case of spiritual doubt that has been building within her for quite some time. Plagued with nightmares, she arises early one morning, says a prayer by candlelight, and goes downstairs for a cup of tea and to quietly reflect on recent events. At this moment, we flashback to a worship service at her church. In a moment of frustration, she storms out, and is followed by a friend who confronts her and reminds her that doubt, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

Questions are necessary. Our protagonist is a seeker, who has finally seen past the mask that she has been forced to wear for so long — and while this is freeing, it also thrusts her into a whirlwind of conflicting emotions when she begins to suspect that God has possibly forsaken her.

In an effort to confront these feelings head-on and without distraction, she makes her way to a nearby park. As she begins to walk along a path in the woods, she proceeds to contemplate her spiritual walk up to this very moment in her life. In the midst of all of this turmoil, she will learn that faith and doubt are mutually inclusive, and that God is not as silent as He seems.

A Beautiful Silence came from that innermost part of me that always questions the things that I’ve been taught, including the theology that was spewed at me from the pulpit during my youth.

The film came from a genuine place of doubt and uncertainty, and such seeds were planted in my heart long before my adult years. They took root one night when a dear friend who was questioning her faith was told by a minister that she “wasn’t ready to know God”, before having the door both literally and metaphorically slammed in her face.

I knew then that something was horribly wrong. Back then, we were taught that if we doubted our faith at all, then our faith was counterfeit. You either accepted what was presented in front of you, or you were a rebel. You were cast out from among the flock. My spiritual angst began then, and it’s something that I continue to live with every day. Ironically, this has made my faith stronger. I would counter the poisonous rhetoric of many “pastors” from my past with this: if you’ve never doubted, then maybe the faith that you have is superficial. It’s not the real deal, because you haven’t struggled with it. And maybe you’re not quite there yet. But with our film, we tried to convey that journey as best we could.

Maybe someone who has wrestled with God during those dark nights of the soul will find healing, knowing that it’s okay. It’s normal. It leads to an authentic faith. This is also a film for agnostics and atheists, for surely they can relate as well. The film is open-ended for those very reasons. It’s for anyone who has ever questioned.

The experience of A Beautiful Silence is one that has helped me to grow in a myriad of ways – as a writer, as a filmmaker, and as a seeker. Brittany Renee Smith is my co-writer and lead actress on this project, and over the course of two years, we have seen this screenplay evolve as we have matured and wrestled with the material at different times. I’ve had to go to some scary places emotionally and spiritually, but in doing so, I’ve become far more grounded than ever before. I’ve unpacked much of the old ideals that I used to hold in favor of others that place an emphasis on grace and authenticity.

While these themes have been dealt with many times before by other artists, we are merely offering our own unique message. We have abandoned a traditional narrative structure in favor of a more fragmented approach. I wanted the viewer to feel as if he or she was inside the mind of the protagonist, moving seamlessly from one thought to another – but with a common thread that holds everything together, much like the feeling of reading a diary. We’re creating a tapestry of words, sounds, and images that will hopefully appeal to the intellect as well as the heart. This is not a “Christian” film. We are dealing with faith, and faith is universal. Being a Christian myself – and not entirely fond of the preachiness that often comes with “Christian” filmmaking – I have created a film that refuses to preach, and also refuses to end things on a safe and tidy note.

I had the pleasure to work with a top-notch crew of carefully selected, incredibly talented individuals whom I love dearly. We had to make some sacrifices here and there. We’ve had to lose some shots. We’ve had to improvise and work with what we have — but all in all, this was a highly successful and artistically fulfilling shoot. I am beyond proud of the final cut. It’s nice to be able to sit back, look at something that I have put so much of myself into, and say, “That’s good”. I am so proud of my cast and crew. The performances are incredible, and David C. Wright’s gorgeous score might as well be the soul of the film.

I am never completely satisfied with my work. I am my worst critic. I always will be. I think it comes with the territory. However, I hope that there is an audience for this film who will be genuinely moved and touched by it.

A Beautiful Silence is currently making its run in the festival circuit. We picked up the “Best Director Award” at the Franklin County International Film Festival in North Carolina, and we were nominated for “Best Narrative Short” at the Blackbird Film Fest in NY, as well as the “Director’s Choice Award” at the Smoky Mountain Film Festival.

A Beautiful Silence is now available on DVD and for streaming on Amazon Prime.