It’s official. We have entered the holiday season – even though I saw Christmas decorations at Target this past July… but let’s not go there. The bell has rung, and we are out of the gate – starting on Thanksgiving, running into Black Friday, zipping through Small Business Saturday, leaping over Sunday (there must be a catchy name for Sunday), sliding through Cyber Monday and landing firmly on #GivingTuesday. Let the games begin.
For many people, this season is greeted with great anticipation and frivolity. Just thinking about all that is about to unfold over the next thirty days brings big smiles, lavish plans and a calendar full of festivals, gatherings, cooking relentlessly, gift-exchanges and more. The usual chatter, every, and glee experienced as Christmas approaches is centered on gift-giving, parties, shopping, decorating, children, Santa Claus, joy, laughter and general holiday merry-making.
Yet because of the polar opposite feelings to the “usual” Christmas spirit, you may not hear from those wandering the dark side of the moon of depression.
Simultaneously, however, for millions of others there is another experience happening, oftentimes silently, because of the societal shame and lack of education. It’s called depression. Yet because of the seemingly polar opposite feelings to the “usual” Christmas spirit, you may not hear from those who are wandering the dark side of the moon. We live in a world where, more often than not, it’s just not ok to tell the truth, and if you do, rarely is it met with understanding.
As the poet Emily Dickinson once said about depression, “It’s like a funeral in the brain,” and frankly, who really wants to talk about depression during the holidays? It’s supposed to be a time of life, enthusiasm, peace, hope and faith, right?
Ironically, Christmas is the quintessential archetype of light, yet it takes place during the darkest time of the year. The shadow side of this season of light and hope is despair and loneliness, and many people either fall into that abyss of depression, or the season exacerbates what is already present. I know it’s not fun to talk about depression during the holidays, I know it can be a downer, I know… I know. And remember, this may not be everyone’s experience, but I know I speak for millions. Take what works, and leave the rest.
It’s highly likely there is someone around you that is suffering from depression and you mistakenly may be waiting for them to reach out.
I also know, that someone’s life depends on you knowing what you will read below. This may not be the conversation or topic you want to hear about or acknowledge, it certainly is a buzz-kill at any holiday party, and I doubt it’s a conversation starter on Santa’s knee. But like I said, someone’s life depends on you. It’s highly likely there is someone around you that is suffering from depression and you are waiting for them to reach out.
People are well-meaning, just misguided and often ill-educated. They say, “maybe if you get out more,” or “if you need anything, just let me know.” “You need to get out and get a real job,” or “try to think about what you’re grateful for…” Let’s not forget the statements of faith uttered trying to bring the attention to God, for surely that would make everything better. And on and on and on. None of which are that helpful. I’ve heard it all and more. Sadly, some of the worst things I’ve heard come from ministers.
Family and friends I love deeply have said all of these things, and each one simply drives me deeper into the disconnect that IS depression, adding to the “wandering in the dark.” Parker Palmer writes this about depression:
The poet Rilke says, “Love . . .consists in this, that two solitudes protect and border and salute each other.” That is the kind of love my friend offered. He never tried to invade my awful inwardness with false comfort or advice, but simply stood on its boundaries, modeling the respect for me and my journey— and the courage to let it be— that I myself needed if I were to endure. This kind of love does not reflect the “functional atheism” some of us practice— saying pious words about God’s presence in our lives but believing, on the contrary, that nothing good is going to happen unless we make it happen.
Depression remains difficult for me to speak about because the experience is so unspeakable. Yet the spirit of my own mentors who also suffered, such as Henri Nouwen and Parker Palmer, calls me to more openness, more vulnerability, more shared humanity, especially when words fail.
Regardless of whether it is seasonal, situational or clinical, the experience is one of disconnection – from life. You identify as the Outsider, not belonging anywhere. The brain says you “should” feel differently, but you don’t. There is nothing more bleak than being alone “in the cold,” left out, hungry and lost in the dark while you look around and see others are gathered around the fire – the flames of life – sharing happiness, family, joy, peace and friendship.
If we are feeling as the Outsider, our mind and body falls into despair. We can “freeze to death” during this season of warmth. For some the depression comes from deep grief or a loss of some kind, for others it is a long-standing medical illness, and for some it is simply the body and mind responding to fewer hours of sunlight each day.
If we are feeling as the Outsider, our mind and body falls into despair. We can ‘freeze to death’ during this season of warmth.
Whatever the label, there is a yearning for deep closeness, for someone to shine a light on what is good and true, in order to heal the sense of worthlessness or inadequacy that comes with depression. Humans very often simply despair and give up when they feel permanently left out in the cold and dark, rather then risk speaking up. Please do not do that.
Is it any wonder than that light has come to mean so much to us? Light is deep within us as the symbol of what is most sacred, divine and alive. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, then be their light. If medical attention is warranted, pick up the phone and make it happen for the person. Oftentimes there is little to be said, rather you can simply be a presence of light and love, validate their experience with touch and few words – some of the most healings thing you can do. Here are a few more things to support you during the holidays if you find yourself embodying the archetype of the Outsider.
* Check in with your activity on social media, and maybe you will discover that if you engage with it less often, it will mean more life and light for you. We have a habit of judging our insides by someone else’s outsides, and social media exacerbates that. This kind of comparison is almost always skewed and tends to trigger our own wounds around unworthiness.
* It may sound incredibly obvious, but notice how much time you are devoting to self-care. Unfortunately it can be the first thing we abandon because it is a very busy time of year, yet self-care is needed more than ever because being so busy oftentimes leads to stress, anxiety and exhaustion, which in turn expands the depression. Exercise, yoga, healthy eating and sleeping habits, meditation and whatever practices are a part of your self-care are necessary for living in the warmth of this season of light.
* Finally, be mindful of what you do have to be thankful for ― getting time off work, the family member who cooks your favorite traditional foods, sitting quietly listening to Christmas songs, or even just the idea of the year ending and the promise of a new one to start fresh – anything, no matter how small, to support you in not feeling the Outsider. And don’t forget, holidays do end, AND more importantly, you are not alone, you belong to an assembly of the courageous.
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