Today’s newsletter is about “grief and belief.”
These words written by my beloved, Jane.
When anti-Semitic violence occurs, Brian and I are surrounded by lots of love and support. Many non-Jewish friends are horrified and they tell us they have our backs as an interfaith/intercultural family. On Saturday afternoon, a neighbor with tears in his eyes handed me a piece of paper with a scratched out message on kitchen notepaper: “My heart is breaking for you.” Our wonderful, loving contractor from years ago sent me a text late last night: “I love you guys. I have your back.” Many clergy friends and newly made Baptist-identified friends called Brian when they heard. We heard over and over: We love you. We do not stand for this. We are so sorry.
People feel so helpless in the face of tragedy. People want to have an impact; they want to help change what is so wrong. The love we have received is beautiful.
Grief is fierce.
In my work as a psychotherapist, my specialty is grief and loss. In moments like this, I am reminded of how deeply disorganizing grief can be.
Grief is disorganizing. This means it stirs us up inside, it leaves us confused, bereft, and feeling sort of upside down.
Grief is disorganizing if the people who have died are close to us, if we have had time to prepare or even imagine the nightmarish scenario of their passing and then have lived that reality. The grief gets more complicated when the loss is sudden and unexpected – when we hear the news and we lose our breath because someone was taken from our lives out of the blue, suddenly.
The losses in our human collective level us. The news of a shooting at a Bible study, or during a school day, or, like Saturday, during worship scrambles us. At the thought of the sheer inhumanity, we feel shock, anger, and deep sadness. We imagine the terror of those people present, the responders who drove at breakneck speed, risking their own lives to save others.
Grief disorganizes us and sends our nervous systems into response: flight, fight, freeze. This is not dependent on character strength or spiritual muscle. As our human brains take in the information, our human bodies respond. It is how our bodies work.
If we combine our normal grief reactions with our overall sense of helplessness, it can feel even worse.
Saturday, I was pretty numb. I am less numb as I write this on Sunday. Tears and sadness are deep down in my gut, and my usual go-to response of rage feels somehow absent. I miss how my rage energizes me, although it makes me feel crazy, and I do not miss that at this moment.
Wherever you are, it is okay. I suggest you take a look inside and see what is actually happening, Ask yourself: how do I feel emotionally? How is my body? Do I feel cold? Do I feel tight? Am I craving a huge plate of nachos? A smoke? Could I be over-intellectualizing, avoiding, or spiritually bypassing my experience of this most recent tragedy or of all that is happening these days?
No judgment here… I just encourage you to try to stay in touch with yourself so you don’t fall asleep. (Checking-out tends to make the pain more paralyzing and toxic in the long run…it makes it so that the pain can’t transform into anything useful.)
We are all experiencing different responses to the tragedy at The Tree of Life Synagogue. If we stay awake to our experiences of this, if we can tolerate our discomfort and take stock of the gifts we have, we can move forward.
In my office, I have the privilege of watching people wrecked by grief slowly rebuild themselves and their lives. They move (slowly, slowly) from disorganized to less so, and in the best of circumstances, they slowly grow more compassionate, more clear about themselves, about what and who they lost, how it impacted them and how they will face what feels really hard: the future.
I don’t care what your God beliefs are. God beliefs are a sticky place and a discussion of them in times of crisis often leads to intellectual merry-go-rounds, which aren’t very helpful. I don’t care what you call yourself: atheist, Catholic, Jew, non-believer, humanist. Our most important identification right now must be: I am a human being.
I don’t care about your God beliefs because today there is a bigger question: what are your human beliefs?
Human beliefs (also called values or ethics) look like this:
Lately, I have encouraged people to write out their most deeply held values and post them in their homes.
I am not worried about your faith in any higher power. I am worried about your faith in your own power.
After the tragedy Saturday, I experienced power, not helplessness. I only feel stronger amidst my grief. In the past, after a collective tragedy, I have never felt this way. Today, amidst my numb sadness, I feel grounded and strong. I know that what I believe to be true, that my core human beliefs about how other humans should be treated are true and just. I know this more clearly than ever.
My hunch is that if we cling daily to our most deeply held beliefs, we can find the path ahead.
11 people died at the Tree of Life synagogue. The memories of those lost can be for a blessing if we follow the age-old adage: Faith without works is dead.
If you have faith in an ethic of decency and love, of justice and safe living for all, of respect and kindness, then those beliefs must move into action.
It is time that we put down our computers, turn off the television, and change up some portion of our lives and our comfort (and God knows I struggle with this in my own life). We must move outside of our usual ways of being in the world.
This includes introverts and extroverts, all of us. I add that for anyone who just thought: “Ugh, but I am so….busy, shy, loathe to be with other people, disheartened, overwhelmed.” I get it, but I mean you, too. You too must take action so that you are not one of the people who stand idly by.
If you are already doing the work that needs to be done, thank you. If you question your level of involvement, read on.
Get clear about the values you KNOW to be true and give them hands and feet. It will feel awkward at first and it might feel like a comfortable stroll eventually. At least there will be motion.
The great civil rights leader of our time, Bryan Stevenson, tells us the time has come to get proximate: it is time to get closer to the problems we are facing. This requires courage and might leave you with a nervous stomach, but it will make your beliefs about how humanity should work come alive.
Look below this article for a list of ideas to help you take more action.
May the memory of those lost at The Tree of Life be for a blessing.
May we make their memories be for a blessing with our works, inspired by the values which we know to be true.
May you make their memories be for a blessing with your works, inspired by the values which you know to be true.
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From Jane
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Some ideas for Involvement:
Please, if you have experienced a trauma or are actively grieving a close loss or if you are fighting a current illness, take heed: there are many of us who can do the heavy lifting. Take care of yourself.
Contact me through Rabbi Brian (rabbi_brian@rotb.org) and I will be delighted to brainstorm with you!
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