God is my personal consultant. I have it made. She lets me kick back and relax, knowing that with her guidance, everything will go smoothly. She gives me a much-needed boost. She tells me the right way to handle things — and let’s face it, she does it partly to preserve her own reputation so she can get more consulting jobs. God’s on my side. Her advice, her connections, they comfort me. Even though my job is on the line, my family is mad at me, I’m way deep in debt, and I’ve got a dangerously high cholesterol level, I am not sweating any of it. She’s calling a conference to work things out with everybody who is breathing down my neck, and she has a plan that will get me through it — she has it greased, and I’m gushing with gratitude. Pain and heartache are ahead of me, but because of her, surely goodness and mercy will follow me — so I’m extending her consulting contract with me indefinitely.