Like Drinking Poison

 
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” (Carrie Fisher). Although the other person won’t die, resentment does poison Good. Yet we guard our resentments against a touch of forgiveness as if our lives depended upon it! In a state of resentment all forgiveness retreats to a mental blank spot. But forgiving is the only way to fully recover from the effects of toxic resentment. Through doctrines and teachings all major faiths advocate for forgiveness as essential for faith fulfillment. In secular life too forgiveness is recognized as necessary for well-being. But forgiveness has not always meant what it does today.

Maria Mayo 5 Myths about Forgiveness in the Bible writes that the Greek word for forgive is aphiēmi, which can be variously translated to mean such things as to remit a debt, to leave, to allow, to send away, or even to divorce. Aphiēmi is used 146 times in the New Testament, is translated as ‘forgive’ only 38 of those times. But its historical drift is clear: for increased inner health, we must become more benign.

In more recent times, the medical benefits of forgiveness have been endorsed In “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness”, Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness, for example the Mayo Clinic points out that “By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy… forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.” The article describes the nature of forgiveness; its benefits and how to learn to forgive. It also delves into why we hold a grudge and the adverse personal and social effects of becoming a begrudger.
Neurologists too have discovered that “Granting forgiveness was associated with activations in a brain network involved in … empathy, and the regulation of affect….” (How the Brain Heals Emotional Wounds:).

The act of forgiveness might involve discussing the situation you resent, making amends and resolving the rancor mutually. Or you might privately let go ill will in favor of silently wishing your adversary well. Mark Sichel gives helpful advice on how to get rid of resentment in “10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment” (10 Steps to Letting Go of Resentment).

We don’t just resent other people; we also resent our own shortcomings. And when we mess up, punishing ourselves makes everything worse! We can help overcome the distress by forgiving ourselves. There is a self-help adage that forgiving ourselves is all we need to do—the other forgiving will follow! WebMD has a useful article about this,
http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself.

And for the forgiveness package to be complete, we should also seek to be forgiven. In “How to Ask for Forgiveness, in Four Steps”, Bruce Feller gives some advice, Learning to Forgive Yourself.

Ironically the people we resent don’t care what we think; yet we let them control us!
And no matter how much we try, willpower without willingness to learn will not stop us from blaming them or acknowledge any responsibility. Without some goodwill, however we are giving permission for adversaries to make us feel disadvantaged. Yet “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” (Eleanor Roosevelt). But the secret to transcending our bitter irritations does not lie in actively striving to pursue acts of forgiveness; it lies in simply prioritizing them. The benefit of simply prioritizing what is Good, rather than willfully pursuing it is the topic of the next and final essay in this series.

Read Part 1 Here
Read Part 2 Here
Read Part 3 Here
Read Part 4 Here
Read Part 6 Here